Turn into something.

Goddamnt.

I do this all the time. It's so annoying. You're so annoying. I just want what you've got to give so badly, that I make excuses for your short comings. So when you fuck up and leave me, all I've got to remember you by are these bizarre, concocted, half truth's of whatever we had.

I'll never remember things for what they were because that'd hurt too much. I'll think of you as this beautiful saint, a wonderful lover, someone who cared about me more than you cared about yourself. Probably because I feel empowered to tell those who inquire that I was someone who was truly loved and cared about by a man. Something that would look appealing. Not someone who was carelessly discarded after you decided NOW would be an good time for you to move onto the next.

So FUCK YOU. Fuck you to all of you stupid boys. Guess what? I'm not "fine" with the fact that you left me in the dust, even though I try to play it cool....I always play it so fucking cool. My shit is not together sometimes. I'm so overwhelmed with this current feeling I don't even know what to say while I have a perfectly open platform to be open on.

As scary as it is, this is not me being bitter. It's not bitterness, it's actually the first time I've been honest with myself about anything in a long time. I'm so hell bent on making sure I always seem okay. Even my cries for help, which usually start as manic and honest, always end with me cleaning up my tears and saying I feel better and I'm fine.


This isn't even about boys is it? I don't even know what I am writing. I just watched this blog progress from my rant on men to what shall be my declaration of honesty. Well everyone, here it is, my big motherfucking banner. Maybe I'm not doing everything that I want to be doing right now. Maybe I'm doing a lot of things wrong. Loving people incorrectly, doing things i'm not supposed to do, eating shitty food, smoking too many Marlboros, gossiping, spending to much money of frivelous bullshit that will won't even matter in a week. But I'm working on these things. I may be doing all of said activities but not without thought. I am only human, and I am making mistakes on the daily.

But I ask of you people, be patient with me and my shortcomings. I know I've got to be.

So let me try and make this totally incoherent rant into a lesson, shall I? I must learn to be patient, more kind, more aware of how people treat me so as to not get hurt unecessarily, I must learn to budget my money, make better decisions and think before I jump, I must learn not to let laziness overpower my creative being so I don't become another nobody doing nothing. I must learn to practice what I preach.

Friends, take this for what it is. Not a cry for help of any means, just me....finally being honest. Be it through a keyboard, and whether or not anyone will read this, my first step to becoming a better human being, was to admit that I am not perfect and I will not always be fine.

Game on.

Onto the next...

“Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I’ll never see him again like this… well yes, I’ll bump into him, we’ll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we’ll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There’s a moment in life where you can’t recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else’s kisses.”