Soundtrack to my immediate futue.

1. Broken Social Scene- Anthem for a 17 year old girl
2. The Silent Years- Goddamn you.
3. Cocorosie- Haitian love song
4. Ida Maria- I like you better when you're naked
5. MF Doom- One beer
6. The Smiths- This charming man
7. Adele- Melt my heart to stone
8. Carole King- It's too late
9. Chairlift- Bruises
10. Cut Copy- Hearts on fire
11. Feist- 1234 (VanShe remix)
12. Dolly Parton- Jolene
13. Lykke Li- Im good, I'm gone
14. Maps and Atlases- The ongoing horrible
15. Bat for Lashes- Prescilla


I'm writing for the sake of having something to do other than write my paper at this point. My life feels so hectic that I can't even form a solid thought to write down. There's more legal trouble in life. I just can't seem to get out of the fog with that one. But everything will get better. It always does. I have to believe that. But for now I'm still a little salty over a handful things and feel mildly violent towards my P.O. but it will be holiday time soon and hopefully the Chrismakkuh cheer will make that subside. Until then I shall continue to sit here, listen to my music, procrastinate on my homework until there is no feasible amount of time left to do it, and watch cheaters.

God help me.

-N.

When did your heart go missing?

Once upon a time there was a young girl. Name's are not important. What is important is the fact that she believed in many different things, ponies, rainbows, the tooth fairy....the list goes on. But one thing she beleived not, was the existence of love. To her, love was a fictional feeling made for girls names Repunzel or Cinderella.

One day as she was riding her bicycle around the block she noticed a boy doing neat tricks with his guitar on his front porch. This piqued her interest, so she immediately stopped to inquire about his enchanting ways. He was excited to see her so interested in what he had to offer and after a few moments of chatting, he told her " I've got an even better trick!"

Being the curious young girl that she was, she was dying to know what the trick might be. Without a moments hesitation, he walked right up to her and quickly grabbed her beating heart right out of her chest. She flinched, expecting to feel pain, but instead was delighted at the euphoric feeling this action had produced. She looked down and there in his hand was her bright red heart, still beating with every breath she took. The boy began to spin her heart in the tip of his fingers, juggle it for a while, and bounce it around. Every move he made with her heart made her feel more enthralled with him than the last.

After a few days passed, the tricks he played with her heart began to intensify. They became more elaborate and the feelings they produced more impressive. It was around this time that the little girl began to think that what was happening to her was love, and that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't a total farce after all.

Months of this had gone by when during one of his tricks the boy looked the girl right in the eye with a devilish grin and began taking off in the other direction in a full sprint.... with her heart! She began to panic. After all, where was he heading with her heart in tow! How could she trust him to be careful with such a precious object?

She began to chase after him but he was just too fast. As the chase continued she noticed that the farther he ran the worse she felt. No longer was the void where her heart once was, filled with the sensation of warmth, comfort, and excitement. The farther from her he got the emptier she felt.

As she stopped to catch her breath, she began to wonder "What kind of horrible game is this?" Just as she was about to give up she spotted the boy not too far ahead. She started running as fast as she could. As she drew near, in a fit of anger, she pushed the boy to the ground. He fell, and with him, her heart. As it hit the pavement she watched it shatter into a million tiny little pieces.

"You...you broke my heart!", she yelled.

"It's your fault that your heart is broken.", was his only reply"

She made her way over to the broken remains and noticed the boy start to run away again. Instead of chasing him she began to pick up the pieces one by one. She gathered them up, put them in her knapsack, and started making her way towards home.

Over the next few weeks she worked diligently at taping and gluing the pieces back together and returning her heart to where it belonged. It was when she put her heart back in its rightful place, that she began to feel whole again.

Feeling better than she had in months, she sat at her kitchen table, surrounded by glue and tape, and reminded herself that this should serve as a lesson learned. She told herself that never again would she let anyone play with her heart like that. No matter how exciting it may be, it was her heart and hers alone. Besides, there were people out there named Repunzel to put up with that crap.

We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried...

I planned on writing this as a testament to that bullshit Jumpstart rehab program I had to do this past Thursday, but I don't feel like I'm ready to re-hash all of that in great detail just yet. There's so much controversy and extra problems surrounding that right now that I'd just prefer to have that be the farthest thing from my mind.

Not on a different subject completely...

After going through two days of literal hell at the hands of some severely unstable human beings this weekend, I got to witness first hand the things I should no longer be taking for granted. Being able to leave somewhere at your own free will, eating a decent meal, surrounding yourself with decent people, waking up after 5 a. m. ... all things that people at the Sequoia Recovery Center in Pontiac Michigan do NOT get to experience.

It's these things that I get to take part in on a daily basis. And after a few events following my stay there, I have come to realize that it doesn't necessarily take a place like Sequoia to have those luxuries taken away from me. People can have the same effect on you. Having someone's actions prohibit you from living life to the fullest, enjoying every experience you encounter with the greatest amount of joy, is just as awful as having the privilege to leave your house taken away.

Well today I've decided to admit myself to my own sort of recovery program. Today is day one of weaning myself away from those who keep me guessing, who break hearts unabashedly and unapologetically. Today is day one where I am no longer looking for someone else to keep me warm, but looking to my own self to keep my chin up and know I have amazing friends and things to do and a job to go to.

I, unlike my fellow Sequoia patients, am not addicted to meth, crack coccaine, or heroin. I am only addicted to a feeling of constant warmth and affection. Something that is not a necessity, but feels nice.

I am not a robot. I can't live without something like that forever. But what I can live without, is settling for less than what I deserve. I can live without waiting around, and putting things on hold.

So today is day one.
One day at a time.


-N.

This is nothing new.

This morning I woke up to my dad asking me why i fell asleep with the light on...again.

Falling asleep with my light on has happened to me three times this week. I do it because I'm tired and lazy and if I can fall asleep with it on, come 5 a.m. my dad will see it and turn it off for me.

Yes, what I explained was an extreeemmee act of laziness, even for me. But we're all guilty of being lazy. You skip a meal because you didn't feel like standing in front of a stove waiting for your ramen to cook. You justify leaving your errands for tomorrow because laying in bed and watching t.v. is far more comfortable and cozy. Either way, we're all a little lazy, but today above and beyond any other day, "lazy" should be an adjective that you hastily push to the side.

I realize standing at the polls in lines that feel like they could encompass the entire state of Michigan, does not sound like the perfect way to spend a day that is 70 degrees and sunny in NOVEMBER, but today is a day that needs to usher in a serious change. I am aware of the serious downsides to Mccain and the mavericky maverick/"vice president" Sara Palin. I am also aware that Obama, as amazing as he is, may not be able to bring the change that United States needs. But what I do know (and I'm sure I'll piss someone off with this) is that one choice is far better and more beneficial than the other. And in order to make the country that we live in a tolerable place to live, that person needs to be elected. The last thing we need is another 4 years that have been worse than the last 8.

And in order for THAT to happen....guess what cha'll, YA NEED TO VOTE.

I'm not going to sit here and blatantly endorse my OBVIOUS choice for president. But I am begging that as a young generation, you put aside your negative thoughts about our crooked government and 2 party system (we all have them), and just go vote.


With that being said, since I've sent in my absentee ballot, and my vote is secure, it's time to go out and enjoy this weather.

-n.

Straight To the Point.

I have homework.

A lot of it.

There's no way around it. And it's due in 8 hours.

My adderall has kicked in and all I want to do is continue organizing my iTunes, watch destination truth and continue jamming out to Dolly Parton.



I met up with Vanessa for a little bit today. I hadn't seen my other half in almost a week and I was missing her biggest of times. We sat down and she told me about the conference she had been at and all the exciting and inspirational stuff she got to witness and take part in. I felt bad because all I had to bring to the table was some debbie downer shiz, which is normally so unlike me. But with being holed up with the stomach flu and going to court this week, I didn't really have too many exciting things to talk about that didn't involve projectile vomit or becoming someone's bitch.

As she asked about what was happening with probation I saw our nice conversation taking a quick right to Downer Town, and just as we were about to hit the border she said the best comment ever:

"Yeah. ***** went to jail once. He said they got some really sweet Chukka's that you can't get anywhere but jail."

My sweet sweet little besty. Cheering me up with the possible dope footgear I might get to rock on the inside.

And for that I love her. As well as all of my wonderful friends who have been really supportive of my near nervous breakdown that I feel I've been on the verge of these past few weeks.

Thanks Dudes.


Well as for now.... I should probably start reading this book saying the report is due at 9.

Night loves.
N.

Breaking Out In Hives At The 52-1 District Court.

I woke up this morning with the pittiest off pits in my stomach. Today was my official Judgment Day at the 52-1 District Court due to a VERY minor violation of my probation (don't ask...but I promise you it was minor).

I got out of bed, ate a Baglefull, and got dressed in my most professional high-waisted skirt and high heels and began my mantra of telling myself not to vomit on my new outfit before entering the courtroom.

I met my father outside of the courthouse and as we walked in I was greeted by a police officer, ready and waiting to ask me to empty my bag and to remove all metal objects off of my outfit, per usual. I continued down the hallway and met my probation officer who gave me a small container and asked me take a drug test. (Nothing says "today's gonna be awesome" better than peeing in a small plastic cup.) Afterwards I was escorted into the courtroom and waited for the Honorable Judge Bondy to make his grand entrance and immediately strike fear in the hearts of all who awaited his presence.

As I was sitting patiently for my name to be called, I watched countless other lawful deviants be called to the stands and utterly crucified. I watched this poor 18 year old U of M student be sentenced to 1 year of counseling, JAMS, and daily AA sessions. I witnessed two 18 year old boys sentenced to 96 days in jail for violating their probation twice. As my name was called I was positive I was not returning to my seat on the bench without a jail sentence.

I slowly approached the stand and after stating my name, felt a sever heatwave come over me and began to itch a little bit. Great... I was breaking out in hives. That's right, as I was trying to convince this stone faced judge that I was a good person with good intentions, I was breaking out in hives and feeling like I was seconds away from blacking out. After stumbling over my words, and fighting the urge to not to fall to my knees and beg for him to avoid sending me to the slammer he interrupted me and explained he was extending my probation until the 2nd of February and ordering me to attend a Jumpstart session.

For those of you unaware of what Jumpstart is.... on Nov. 6th I will arrive at court at 9 a.m only to hop on the "Jumpstart Bus" and be hauled off to the Pontiac Jail where I will spend all of Thursday, Thursday night, and Friday rubbing elbows with official inmates. They even have activities planned for us. And not for one second do I doubt that said activities involve being screamed at until we're all crying like little babies by big butch inmates ready to grab us by our ankles shake us upside down the second our appointed warden turns their back.... or maybe we'll get to take Shanking 101...who knows.


All I know is that this entire experience has been horrifying and today was truly mentally exhausting. Fuck... I need a drink.


Just kidding.

Sara Palin Remix.

Anyone who knows me is well aware that I am indeed a liberal.

But I don't know anyone that wouldn't enjoy this....






Yes. That just happened.

This is how it goes...

But, despite the truth I know
I find it hard to let go and give up on you
Seems I love the things you do
Like the meaner you treat me the more eager I am
To persist with this heartbreak and running around
And I think that I know things may never change

Smiling at Strangers

Walking down the streets of Chicago, Vanessa and I were having a conversation that consisted of me explaining my spitefulness towards love and how it has failed me so many times over the past few years. It was immediately after finishing my long winded rant that i looked up in enough time to see a man working at a food stand look at me and gesture with his hands, the words "I love you". He was a stout man in his, what appeared to be, late 50's. he didn't make the gesture in an inappropriate manner, more so in a way that was meant to give me something to smile at. (Something I hadn't done for the greater part of our Chicago trip.)

It was this action that gave me a feeling I haven't felt in what feels like a lifetime. A feeling that out "there", somewhere in this world, there are people who want to make other people feel good inside. That there are people who have the ability to love someone else and come bearing good intentions. The idea that even though love and the concept surrounding it has failed more times than I can count on one hand, that there might still be a reason to keep trying.

This tiny, minute action has instilled a very small amount of hope that real love might still exist somewhere. maybe not in the greater Detroit area...but somewhere.

bikes, beans, and babes.

detroit new cam 170
Originally uploaded by musterni

This weekend is rapidly approaching.

Which, thank god, because that means I am one day closer to packing up my bike and my best friends and hitting the dusty trails to Chicago for the weekend.

I've decided the only cure for the chronic dissatisfaction I've been experiencing with certain aspects of my life, is to do the obvious, and run away from it (if only for a little while, to another city....where I shall drown my problems in alcoholic beverages, bike rides, and dance parties.

So this weekend shall be a bit of an escape and a reason to see some faces I haven't seen in a while.
Pictures will be posted upon my return to the trustiest mitten of them all.

Well, seeing as it is now almost 2 am. and I've got more merchandising homework than I know what to do with, I am regretfully pulling myself away from my trusted dell and resuming my activities that are not as fun as what I'm doing now.

Goodnight babes,
n.