We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried...

I planned on writing this as a testament to that bullshit Jumpstart rehab program I had to do this past Thursday, but I don't feel like I'm ready to re-hash all of that in great detail just yet. There's so much controversy and extra problems surrounding that right now that I'd just prefer to have that be the farthest thing from my mind.

Not on a different subject completely...

After going through two days of literal hell at the hands of some severely unstable human beings this weekend, I got to witness first hand the things I should no longer be taking for granted. Being able to leave somewhere at your own free will, eating a decent meal, surrounding yourself with decent people, waking up after 5 a. m. ... all things that people at the Sequoia Recovery Center in Pontiac Michigan do NOT get to experience.

It's these things that I get to take part in on a daily basis. And after a few events following my stay there, I have come to realize that it doesn't necessarily take a place like Sequoia to have those luxuries taken away from me. People can have the same effect on you. Having someone's actions prohibit you from living life to the fullest, enjoying every experience you encounter with the greatest amount of joy, is just as awful as having the privilege to leave your house taken away.

Well today I've decided to admit myself to my own sort of recovery program. Today is day one of weaning myself away from those who keep me guessing, who break hearts unabashedly and unapologetically. Today is day one where I am no longer looking for someone else to keep me warm, but looking to my own self to keep my chin up and know I have amazing friends and things to do and a job to go to.

I, unlike my fellow Sequoia patients, am not addicted to meth, crack coccaine, or heroin. I am only addicted to a feeling of constant warmth and affection. Something that is not a necessity, but feels nice.

I am not a robot. I can't live without something like that forever. But what I can live without, is settling for less than what I deserve. I can live without waiting around, and putting things on hold.

So today is day one.
One day at a time.


-N.